10. Drive. Not to advocate something illegal, but it is damn hard to drive while drunk. Motor vehicles require surprising amounts of coordination to keep either between the lines or even on the pavement. If you can avoid doing it, avoid doing it.
9. Type. This post brought to you by automatic spell-checking and the hunt-and-peck method.
8. Not sing. What is about being drunk that just makes you want to belt out that song that everyone but you hates? Loudly. Because, you know what, everyone else is wrong. Aerosmith rocks.
7. Code. I can barely type, now you want me to string together words, variables, and algorithms. Fuck that.
6. Care. I just couldn’t care less about $TOPIC.
5. Not Care. God, that is so damned tragic; I’m not one to get emotional, but that makes me hurt.
3. Read. You know how boring books can be late at night? Yeah, now you’re half-way to asleep; good luck finishing that brilliant tome.
2. Writing. Well, ok, to be fair, I actually write better when drunk. It’s just that I can’t share it with anyone. In the morning, what I thought was a massive success is likely to be more Scott Adams than Douglas Adams.
1. Not use the phone. What is it about alcohol, of whatever variety you choose to imbibe, that makes us want to grab a phone and call someone. This isn’t just drunk-dialing-for-ass, this is general use of telephone technology in any form. My theory? So, I’m in this awesome place that gives me alcohol to the point of not being able to do anything else on this list; you should be here, too! And if your being here gets me some, all the better.